Tragedy and faith

Friday was such a pivitol day in our nation that I have been trying very hard what to figure out what to write about. I feel so selfish writing about our trivial trials right now. 20 Children didn't come home that night. 20 parents who sent their child to a trusted institution only to never see them again. When I read the headline that day I cried. I cried for selfish reasons. I cried because I wanted to run and jerk my children out of school and never let them go again. I cried for the parents of these children too... I cried for those innocent, scared , little babies whos last memory on this Earth was facing a mad man with a gun. We ask ourselves why... who do we blame? We cannot blame EVERYTHING on any one thing in this case. All I have heard since the beginning of this is Why would this boy do this. The thing is... does the answer to Why make it any better? Does the answer to why bring these children back? We want someone, something, a disorder, a parent, God... whatever we can come up with to BLAME. Will blame make it any easier though? No. Not really. I saw a sign today... it was a sign I PERSONALLY needed to see. Do not mistake what I am about to say as telling people to get over it, get over their grief... I AM NOT SAYING THAT AT ALL! I saw a sign today that was INTENDED for me. The sign said "you cannot begin your next chapter if you keep re-reading the past one". I needed that sign today. I should have bought it and put it on my night stand so I could read it every night and wake up to it every morning. It is true though. I can't fix yesterday... I can only work on me and what I can do here...right now... what God has placed before me in this moment.

A little background before the M.O.

Well, I know how much you all enjoy my ramblings... ahem. So here we are again, starting a new blog. We are attempting to document the journey toward international adoption. So far we aren't a very exciting story. I have always wanted to adopt, I shared that need in my heart with my husband when we were dating even. I was a foster kid growing up... no one ever "adopted" me. I was a "ward of the court". It was kinda hard growing up, especially knowing that no-one ever really truly wanted to make me their child, for one reason or another. It wasn't all bad... I have good and dreadful that I can take away from my "childhood". Most all of it has been forgiven and the only way I have truly come to terms with all of it is through the Grace of God. I have a family of my own now, a great husband, two beautiful boys and a dog named Sam. I claim all four of them as my children. They give me the opportunity to be loved and to love...unconditionally. Well, this isn't really about me though, so here is our story starting a few months back. We took the kids to see the Lion King on stage in September in St. Louis. ***Now, remember, my husband and I have talked about adoption on and off for the past (nearly) 15 years now. Jason asked that we wait until our youngest son got a bit older and I could deal with that...on with the story*** As we were getting ready for bed that night Jason hands me his computer and says "look". He has a website pulled up for Chinese adoption. I kinda got giddy at that point because the subject was suddenly back on the table. I am looking through all of these beautiful faces and my heart is swelling. Fast forward just a bit and guess who is in the paper? Phil and Niki Smith. Guess what they have just completed? Their first adoption from China... and little Gigi is gorgeous and such a little godsend. Okay God, we hear you... nudge, nudge. A few days later I email Niki to get some info on where to start. She is one helpful woman, that Niki! She and I emailed back and forth for a while. Right now, Jason and I are trying to decide some things. What agency to use? How much is this going to cost (EEEK)? Home study...what is that? Where are we going to get the money to do this (again EEEEK). Then we pray. What is your will Lord? Show us our path Lord... make the way easy... HELP US LORD! Right now we are living on a whole heaping ton of faith and are wide eyed for the answers. Keep us in your prayers too please.