Things to Think about

Spoke with Annie today. I was pretty discouraged after our conversation. It wasn't her fault in the least. She just was honest with me and gave me a great deal to think about. I have spent a ton of time cleaning closets today. I am trying very hard to get organized here in the house. Jack's birthday is tomorrow. I cannot believe he is going to be six years old! It is so unreal that our children are growing so fast. Jack's story is a fun one. If you don't know, we thought Jack was a girl for 6 months of our pregnancy. His name was going to be Raylin Jae. The day before we scheduled the C-section our doctor did another ultra-sound to check if everything was developed well and he informed us that Raylin was a JACK. For about 12 hours it was very distressing. We had nothing but girl clothes and were not prepared for a little man. A very distant part of me was disappointed that our dream of having one of each was now not happening. After Jack got here all of those feelings left! He was precious and such an easy baby. He never cried, never fussed, slept all night and was a dream! We had already decided that we weren't going to have any more children. I had my tubes tied. Jason had extreme fears of me being pregnant again because of all the difficulties I had during both of my pregnancies. So together we decided that it would be best for me not to have anymore children. I wouldn't suggest it to any woman. I think part of me feels like I am not a contributing woman any longer. Silly, I know, but before, if we wanted to have another baby we tried. I don't have that option any longer and that does put an emotional mark on you. So if you are considering it, do your research, be prepared and make sure it is 100% what you really want. Also, it seems to have messed with my hormones as well. I have a difficult time and didn't have these problems until I had my tubal ligation. ANYWAY, Back to Jack. He is an amazing child, smart as a whip, stubborn as a mule, funny, and such a happy little guy. He is always singing or humming a tune. He looks up to his big brother and wants to play with him all of the time... yet he can play on his own too and be totally content. He is very mechanically inclined and is always trying to figure out what makes things tick. He amazes me daily. So, in an hour my five year old will be six. Happy Birthday my sweet boy. Mommy and Daddy love you and are very proud of you!

Moving along...

I spoke with a friend today and also made a new one. My friend Niki encouraged me to start asking questions. I think before today that I have been a little bit afraid to start asking. Reason being is I am afraid that the girls we want will be taken already. I know that God has a plan for us and for the children that we are so interested in. If they have already been committed to another family then I know at least they will be cared for and hopefully in a Christian home. I have to remind myself sometimes that God is in control and that I HAVE ABSOLUTELY no choice in the matter. The special happenings today have really lit a fire. We believe we have decided on an agency. We are going to fill out our application and send in the first $250 soon. I spoke with a woman today named Annie and though we haven't spoken in detail yet I have given her our number and will hopefully speak with her on the phone tomorrow. So on my list tomorrow is filling out our application, speaking with Annie and maybe getting some answers about these beautiful girls that have been on our minds since September!

Excitement

It's the day after Christmas and all through the house, tons of creatures are stirring... THANK GOD not a mouse. Daddy is sitting with Sam on the couch, while Mommy is typing all of this out. The boys are nestled with their Nani tonight. We are just chilling, not a worry in sight. I hope you like my day after Christmas poem... totally original I must say. This Christmas has snuck up on us... HELLO! It's already the day AFTER. Several things have occurred over the last week. #1- To everyones surprise (ahem) the world did not come to a screeching halt on the 21st. #2- Christmas came, and has now gone.It was a success, Jack got to hold his own candle at the Christmas Eve service this year and THE CHURCH DID NOT burn down. St Nick also knew exactly what the kids wanted for Christmas. #3- Les Mis is an INCREDIBLE movie and I got a fabulous quote from it which I will share later. #4- Jack's birthday is in a few days... he will be 6 and I will silently cry in the shower because he is growing up. #5- This house is excited about adoption. Everyone is talking about it. We are all excited about the new year and the fact that we are truly about to get this thing rolling. We are scared, mostly because of the fact that we have NO CLUE where the money for this is going to come from... the other thing we are excited about is the fact that we really have our hearts set on twins. We are praying that our family of 4 will be a family of 6 in the future. I think this is the first time I have put this in writing. It is something we have been talking about since this trek has begun... So now, here we go putting just a bit more info out there. So right now, our next step is picking an agency to go through and giving the go ahead on the home study. I think my biggest fear is not choosing the right agency. It is a huge commitment, research is being done and we are narrowing down our choices. The quote I wanted to give you tonight was "to love someone is like looking in the face of God"

Tragedy and faith

Friday was such a pivitol day in our nation that I have been trying very hard what to figure out what to write about. I feel so selfish writing about our trivial trials right now. 20 Children didn't come home that night. 20 parents who sent their child to a trusted institution only to never see them again. When I read the headline that day I cried. I cried for selfish reasons. I cried because I wanted to run and jerk my children out of school and never let them go again. I cried for the parents of these children too... I cried for those innocent, scared , little babies whos last memory on this Earth was facing a mad man with a gun. We ask ourselves why... who do we blame? We cannot blame EVERYTHING on any one thing in this case. All I have heard since the beginning of this is Why would this boy do this. The thing is... does the answer to Why make it any better? Does the answer to why bring these children back? We want someone, something, a disorder, a parent, God... whatever we can come up with to BLAME. Will blame make it any easier though? No. Not really. I saw a sign today... it was a sign I PERSONALLY needed to see. Do not mistake what I am about to say as telling people to get over it, get over their grief... I AM NOT SAYING THAT AT ALL! I saw a sign today that was INTENDED for me. The sign said "you cannot begin your next chapter if you keep re-reading the past one". I needed that sign today. I should have bought it and put it on my night stand so I could read it every night and wake up to it every morning. It is true though. I can't fix yesterday... I can only work on me and what I can do here...right now... what God has placed before me in this moment.

A little background before the M.O.

Well, I know how much you all enjoy my ramblings... ahem. So here we are again, starting a new blog. We are attempting to document the journey toward international adoption. So far we aren't a very exciting story. I have always wanted to adopt, I shared that need in my heart with my husband when we were dating even. I was a foster kid growing up... no one ever "adopted" me. I was a "ward of the court". It was kinda hard growing up, especially knowing that no-one ever really truly wanted to make me their child, for one reason or another. It wasn't all bad... I have good and dreadful that I can take away from my "childhood". Most all of it has been forgiven and the only way I have truly come to terms with all of it is through the Grace of God. I have a family of my own now, a great husband, two beautiful boys and a dog named Sam. I claim all four of them as my children. They give me the opportunity to be loved and to love...unconditionally. Well, this isn't really about me though, so here is our story starting a few months back. We took the kids to see the Lion King on stage in September in St. Louis. ***Now, remember, my husband and I have talked about adoption on and off for the past (nearly) 15 years now. Jason asked that we wait until our youngest son got a bit older and I could deal with that...on with the story*** As we were getting ready for bed that night Jason hands me his computer and says "look". He has a website pulled up for Chinese adoption. I kinda got giddy at that point because the subject was suddenly back on the table. I am looking through all of these beautiful faces and my heart is swelling. Fast forward just a bit and guess who is in the paper? Phil and Niki Smith. Guess what they have just completed? Their first adoption from China... and little Gigi is gorgeous and such a little godsend. Okay God, we hear you... nudge, nudge. A few days later I email Niki to get some info on where to start. She is one helpful woman, that Niki! She and I emailed back and forth for a while. Right now, Jason and I are trying to decide some things. What agency to use? How much is this going to cost (EEEK)? Home study...what is that? Where are we going to get the money to do this (again EEEEK). Then we pray. What is your will Lord? Show us our path Lord... make the way easy... HELP US LORD! Right now we are living on a whole heaping ton of faith and are wide eyed for the answers. Keep us in your prayers too please.