(This is going to be long. Go
ahead and turn away now, hide the story, or hit the back button. There’s a lot
of history, confusion, pain, and promise in the words ahead. If you’re
disinterested in our lives, go back now. There’s a lot sifting through muck and
mud here, in hopes I’ll find something shiny and new, like a good attitude. Go
ahead and look away. I’ll still be friendly toward you.)
My wife and I are blessed in so
many ways—ways for which we often forget to express thanks. We are blessed with
each other. I at least hope she feels that way about me. (Like I said, I fail a
lot.) We are blessed with our children. We are blessed with family and friends.
Thankfully, we are both blessed with jobs we value and feel valued. We stress
to our children accountability, public versus at-home behaviors, and just
generally ways to conduct themselves that will not create much hassle for them
(or us). Our boys are blessings.
We were also blessed with an
adventure—moving to the PNW. Jack unfortunately does not remember a lot of
Montana. Man, it was special, though. Even though I was in a job that I did not
fit at a place I did not belong, I loved being there. I loved the kids, some of my coworkers, and my neighbors. The
way the job presented my departure lacked integrity and congruence with what
was actually going on with me. It is what it is, though. I loved the growth I experienced.
I will credit my previous employer for some of that (but not all). A part of
me, though, grew a lot in Montana. And, believe it or not, we still think of Montana
as home. We talk about moving back once our kids are through NE at least.
It wasn’t that we really wanted
to move back to Corinth. I lost my job, which was a blessing truly. That meant
we have to move back, though. I have since joked that we were tethered to
Corinth. It’s not that either of us wanted to move back; it’s that it was the only
thing that made sense at the time.
Between my wife and me, we sent
out more than a hundred applications or resumes. Hundreds. Poor South Carolina
received the most, probably. During that time of the world, our country was at
the height of the recession. Jobs were scarce. Counselor jobs are not always
readily available anyway. We looked at the next adventure, mainly the eastern
coastal regions. I had a few phone calls, but obviously, nothing panned out.
Fate and God had us return to
Corinth to old jobs. (Never say never in a small town because you never know.) It
was not ideal; it was what it was. Given our situation, we were grateful. So,
we sold our ’97 F150 4x4 (with awesome Maxxis Bighorn tires, I might add) and
moved back, some 2500 miles. (If you’ve never driven across the country in a
26-foot moving van, hauling your entire contents of your “home” plus pulling
your vehicle—well, you’re missing out, especially in the Winter. Just saying.)
I was unemployed all of about 2
weeks. Five of those days were spent driving home during January 2010. I had
some gnarly infection that I got about day 2. January 17th we left
home and started the drive. We stayed in Missoula the first night. By the 23rd,
we were at my father’s.
We were blessed to be able to
stay there for about two months. We paid some rent (not that it was my father
required it but that it made sense—they were gracious; we were able). It was
taxing still living there—four of us in a one room apartment sharing shower and
laundry use at the main house. Yet we were grateful.
(Know as much as I can be, I am
more at peace now than I was a year ago. Some things, I’ll never obviously
understand. All we can really do as parents is the best we can. We can offer
the truths as we know them to our little ones. We can share in the hurts and
the confusion. We can make the best decisions we are able to make in the time
we have to make them. We can write letters, set boundaries, and make attempts
at peace. The challenging part is that it is not always up to us. Other people
have their say and their choices. All we can do is make the best with what we
have.)
March 12, 2010-we moved into
our house where we currently live. Man, there were a lot of adjustments that
had to be made. My oldest changed schools again; my wife went back to work; we
had to figure out childcare (thanks, Mom); we had to adjust to working and
living in Corinth—the small town with a big attitude (I still believe this to
be true). Socially, we had to adjust. We had to find a church.
We visited lots of churches. We
knew where we weren’t going. Both of us were open to trying different places. As
fate and God would have it, Dez and I needed to see someone about our marriage
(remember the adjustments I mentioned earlier? Yeah, I think they played a part.
That and we really needed a marital renewal). We chose Don at First
Presbyterian.
Thank God for Don. We worked on
our marriage. Through God, Don, and our work, we were able not only to tune
things up a bit, but we were also able to improve it. We are blessed. FIFTEEN
YEARS THIS NOVEMBER!
We ended up choosing First
Presbyterian as our church. It’s always been hard for me attending church in NE
MS. It still is. I have my perceptions about how things are, and I’ll
respectfully keep those more private. When we lived in the PNW, we attended a
small Baptist church in Clark Fork. The only agenda I think I really
experienced was learning about God and spreading the good news. I didn’t feel
awkward socially. People were just people. I don’t always experience that here
in Corinth. I’m still hopeful, though. My children love First Pres, which means
more to us than our own experiences, I think. We are blessed. (Jake is on his
first big boy trip away from home with church, which is a wonderful blessing,
too.)
Being back in Corinth has
brought us better and deeper friendships than we ever experienced previously. I’m
not sure all the reasons why, but we find it such a challenging little place to
live. Even though I am considerably more open these days than I used to be, I’m
still a pretty quiet person. I try to speak to say hi or whatever—be friendly. I
want to model Christian living to the best of my abilities. Boy, do I fall
short sometimes!
It’s easy for me to want to
avoid things, especially conflict. We’ve talked about moving to this place or
that, to areas around my work. Honestly, though, I’m personally tired. I don’t
want to move away again. Things may not be better if we do. Then, there will be
more adjustments. For the first time perhaps ever in their lives, our kids
enjoy relative stability. Nothing in apparent flux. Of course, God could change
all of that as easily as the wind blows. And, we’ll fly wherever He takes us.
There are many, many days and
times in which my faith is absolutely steadfast and rock-solid. Then, there are
times in which I get frustrated by tiny, minuscule things that do not matter at
all in the grand scheme of things (e.g., waiting in the parking lot until every
car leaves because I am unable to squeeze in between them, being taught how to
do something only to have my teacher(s) not do the very thing they taught me). Why
do I get so caught up in those things? Why do I let those things affect me?
The things we do or do not do/say
or do not say affect other people. Like it or not, that’s the truth. I want so
badly not to make mistakes, yet I make them every day. In my readings for my
schoolwork, I’ve encountered some thought-provoking things. Edison never really
thought of his failures as failures. In fact, he had a very positive perception
that he was successfully finding ways not
to make a light bulb. (He found thousands of them, by the way!) Where’s my
perception; where’s my faith during these challenges?
I asked my wife and friend,
Louis, what is the difference between an opinion and a judgment? To me, it’s a
shady line that is hard to distinguish. Man, there are a lot of rules to
living, aren’t there? At the same time, we can simply love God with all our
hearts, minds, and spirits. We can pray. We can glorify God in all that we do.
We certainly can ask for forgiveness. We can be accountable.
Gandhi famously said, "Be the change you wish to see
in the world." I have always had the desire to make a difference. I'm
still listening to God to figure out how I can do that. Some days are
better than others. I fail a lot, though. Sometimes, I get caught up in how on
earth do I deserve any of this? How on earth do I deserve this little girl we’re
trying to adopt? I feel undeserving.
Sometimes, the hardest thing for me to remember is perhaps
the easiest: Jesus died for you and for me. Even though I may feel undeserving,
He knows better what is right for me. When I pray, I admittedly acknowledge my stubbornness
even though He already knows. I struggle being human. Maybe I really need to
adopt a better mindset like Edison.
“I found a
new way not to be a better dad.”
“I found
another way not to be a better husband.”
“I found a
new way not to be a better employee.”
I’m committed to trying to improve. I owe it to my mom, my
wife, my children, friends, and family. I owe it to my employer. I owe it to
Jesus. I figure it’s the least I can do—try to be better—after what He did for
you and me. I have a responsibility to my family, my children, and myself. After
all, we’re teaching our little ones how to live this life—willingly or not, on
purpose or not, by what we say or do or not.
1 John 3:16 was today’s verse of the day according to my
app. It reads, “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we
ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” Can't make this kind of thing up. I did not plan to write any of
this. I looked at the scripture just now at the end of this post. He works that
way sometimes, doesn’t He? I woke up at 4am with this present.
If you don’t know Him, just let me know. I’ll be
glad to share.
What’s your perspective? What lessons are you teaching your
children? What lessons are your children and God teaching you? What change are
you to be?
